Press Release

For immediate release to the press regarding the continued illness of the church.

Thank you, family, friends and members of the media for your continued care for our troubled patient. 

After the tumor was removed, the patient is stabilized and making some improvements.  Vital signs are a little shaky.  While removal of the tumor makes life possible, there are still some significant barriers to a full recovery.  Among them:

General lack of activity in the central nervous system. We are unable to determine the ultimate cause of this, but for years, the patient has not been able to communicate internally.  There is activity in the head, and significant brain function but the head communicates ineffectively if at all with the body.  The result is the body does not even know the head is still attached.

We must take immediate action to reroute the nerves and establish communication on a number of levels.  The head is not opposed in principle, but has reservations about actually doing anything proactive.

Psychotic narcissism. The patient believes she is perfect and steadfastly refuses to acknowledge any faults.  The patient is trying to tightly control any news of the tumor for fear people will think the whole head is full of them.  So the patient closes her eyes and keeps repeating, “I am perfect.  I am perfect.”

Somehow we must get the patient to realize that having imperfections is just part of being alive–and being real.  Believing yourself perfect only makes you appear foolish because it is only your mirror that doesn’t reveal imperfections.

Sometimes it is even the imperfections that make you attractive.

Sadly, this is not even just effecting the head where the tumor was, but it effects the whole body.  Every part believes (or at least says) it to be perfect.  Well, not perfect, because only the Great Physician is perfect, but they believe themselves free from any consequential defect since their first checkup.

Projected psychotic narcissism. Though rare, this disorder manifests itself by not only believing oneself to be perfect, but believing everyone else in the body should also be perfect.  It is one thing to have faults or illnesses before you came to the Great Physician, but if you exhibit any kind of illness or fault afterwards, the effected part can only be treated with disdain and ultimately with amputation.

One part of the body actually said, “I don’t want to know that any part of the body has illness–it is not supposed to be that way.  I just can’t respect an imperfect part.”  When asked about her own imperfections, she became flustered and began to chant, “I am perfect.” over and over.

For treatment of the above and other symptoms, we have consulted with the Great Physician and we trust He will make further diagnosis and treat accordingly.  Our hope is the patient will follow the treatment plan He implements.


About shepherd

I am a pastor at a local church.
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2 Responses to Press Release

  1. vernon says:

    take two tablets and call me in the morning

  2. S says:

    I hope the insurance premiums are paid. This could be costly.

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