Inside My Sad Little Brain.

I don’t want to be melodramatic, but I want to try and explain how I feel.  This will be kind of stream of consciousness…

I don’t want to talk to anyone.  I don’t want to answer my phone—even if it is someone I know just wants to encourage me.

I went over to S’s house—I thought I might have a conversation worth something.  It wasn’t.  I didn’t know how to talk.  I don’t know what to say.  I just sat there like an empty shell.  We are both angry.  We are both hurt.  Neither of us know what to do.

I know the calling on my life and I feel like I have abandoned it.  Actually, it feels more like it has abandoned me.  Like the big fish spit me out into the middle of the sea.

I completely misjudged K and R as elders.  R was my friend.  His wound is deep.

The elders went to the congregation today and made it sound like they were saviors sweeping in to save the church from the terrible division T and I were causing.

I know, because I have at least a single objective bone in my body, my situation here is at least partly because I walked into a screwed up mess—perhaps mostly because of that—but I feel like such a failure.

My mom scolded me for feeling this way.  I can’t help it.  None of this is reasonable.  I know that.

W tells me we followed the call of God out here.  I am not so sure.

I am withdrawn.  I move easily between weeping, raging and not caring.

I don’t even know what would fix me.  If the church asked me back I would tell them “No way!”  If I went to another, I would be too frightened to move.

What do I do?  (I am not asking you…I am asking me…or maybe God…probably mostly me.)

I know I should be most concerned with the church.  I know there should be some way for me to be “ok” with all of this.  I am not.

I guess that is all for now.  I read over this, it is almost incoherent, but I feel that way too.


About shepherd

I am a pastor at a local church.
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4 Responses to Inside My Sad Little Brain.

  1. betsy says:

    just read your post. Caring about you guys. B.

  2. DC says:

    Sad with you. Pissed because you’re a good man and zealous for Christ and His Kingdom, and some crazy sheep overthrew an appointed shepherd. Love you, your family and your work on behalf of Christ.

  3. Ekie says:

    I don’t think you are being melodramatic at all. You’ve been through a lot (understatement) and perhaps it is going to be healing to say what you need, be quiet when you need and just take time for yourself and family to heal. You deserve time to do that.

  4. ch says:

    Grief is a bitch. (I’m a lawyer. We get to talk that way.) Betrayal on top of it is almost unbearable. Add to that the expectation that some others have that we will find “closure” -whatever that is-and insanity begins to look like a viable alternative.

    The fact is, in my experience, we don’t ever get completely over these things. We adjust, we accommodate, and , with God’s grace, we begin to heal but the scars of our loss remain, visible reminders that, “twas Grace that brought us safe this this far and Grace will lead us home”. Like an amputee we learn to live with the loss and we move on knowing all the while that “His grace is sufficient” whether it feels like it right now or not.

    Am praying.

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