Friends

I have been in the ministry 20 some years.  Through the years I have made some great friends.  In this ministry, I am trying to figure them out.

In Church

When I was in college (the first four years) I was taught friends can’t come from within the church where you serve.  Though I have not found that to be entirely true, I understand why they said it.  People within the church all seem to have something they want from me.  Elders feel it is their job to manage me.  People who seek out my friendship are often the kind of people who draw energy from me like crazy.  People who I might like apart from the church see me as “the pastor” and so are too self conscious to enjoy friendship fully.

Additionally, people within the congregation are never entirely safe.  There is always the fear that if I say the wrong thing, laugh at the wrong time, or reveal too much that they will decide it is their responsibility to fix me, or worse, fix the church from me.  The next thing I know (and it has happened) I am answering questions about why I laugh to someone who thinks I am some kind of heretic because I laugh at the wrong things.

Several times I have found “friends” in the church only to find out they were using me for power, or want to control me, or worse.  At first, at this church, E acted as though he wanted to be friends, but he made it very clear he is my boss and bosses can’t be friends with subordinates.  I am glad he made that clear so I didn’t assume us friends.

I have found friends difficult in the church.  There are several exceptions through the years, but they are the exceptions that prove the rule.

In Ministry

Some of the closest friends I have developed through the years are colleagues in ministry.

When I first began in the ministry, I sought out friendships among the other area pastors in the same denomination.  I soon found out they were not the best choice.  It was not because they were bad people, but because when we got together, it was assumed we believed and thought the same on every issue.  It killed conversation and injected a bit of unsafe-ness to the mix.  The lack of safety comes when you throw out something you think and it is met with a skeptical, “Oh, you believe that? Hmmm.”

After  a few such experiences, I began to look to pastors in other churches.  They always took a bit more time on the front end figuring out if each other was safe, making sure we meshed theologically, and personality wise.  Once the initial dance was completed, I found some excellent friends.

In the last 7 or 8 years I have found some of my closest friends ever in a very unusual place–High School Church Camp. They were particularly mature, sharp youth ministers in other churches.  (No insult to youth ministers intended, but if you have met many of them you know what I mean!  :) )  They have both moved on to preaching and teaching ministries and are still very close.

Sadly, distance distances relationships.  I am now a long way from all those guys.

In the Community

I have met my share of people in coffee shops, restaurants, community events etc.  Twice, or perhaps three times, these have led to rich friendships.  In my last ministry, one of my favorite friends was an attorney (sad, I know) in town.  He was a thinker and an eater–two things I love.  Our lunch was one of the most guarded things in my schedule.

Currently

The most promising friendship is a member of the pastoral staff.  It is hard to say where it will go.  I am still trying to figure out who is and who is not safe.

I know this: I am ready to find a friend.  I miss having friends who breathe the same air.