It has been a week since my last post. Life seems to be settling down into a routine for me.
I think a lot about pastoral things. I visit people who are sick. I pray with people who are in need. I talk to people who need a friend.
I think and do a lot of pastoral things, but the thing I don’t do much of is the stuff that related me to God. I am not praying. I am not studying the Bible. I am not even thinking very deeply about God.
I go to church. I can still talk about theological things. But it is different.
I asked EJ, my daughter, if this had changed her view of God. She said it didn’t, but it changed how she looks at people. I think that is just as damaging.
She’s right, of course. It has changed how I look at people. Trust will be slower. Words are more weighed. I struggle to even carry on a conversation at times. I don’t know who to trust.
Trust. That is what I need to give back to God. It is what I will have for people when the wounds heal a bit more. I need healing.
So, I sit and listen to my husband prepping for one of his last 2 weeks as a vocational Worship Pastor…and my heart breaks. My mind is in turmoil and I am angry. Angry that something so beautiful, with such God given synergy has been torn asunder by well meaning but legalistic, authoritarian men. Men so consumed by themselves and the power they wield that they don’t really care what happens to men like the Shepherd and the Worshiper. It is with a heaviness in my chest that we come to mark this change in our lives. A change that in my heart of hearts I do not believe is God’s true will. But I still sit in hopefulness, stillness, waiting on the leading of the Lord. I know He is ahead of us, making a way for us, but He seems far off sometimes in the turmoil wrought by men. Dramatic, maybe….heart felt…definitely.
Hey, I like your honesty, keep being open with yourself, your family, readers and God. We’ve been hurt by others, especially in the church or church based groups and it is not good. I’ve been hurt bad, and this is what I know (sort of); Hurting people hurt people! These people are in pain themselves. Take a look at Ps. 55:12-14 You might ask, “who can and will be my friend?” I will. kh
Betrayal is painful. Being attacked, mis-characterized, lied about by those you thought you should be able to trust is a horrific experience. It will take time. Lots of time. There are new experiences, new life to live, things to look forward to, in time. When we experienced deep betrayal, the first year I was in shock and very angry. As time went by, I learned that God has more for us and better things in store. It has been 5 years and I still have days every few months where it crosses my mind. Know that it will be slow but that does not mean that God isn’t working.