Friends

Posted on January 22, 2011 by shepherd

I have been in the ministry 20 some years.  Through the years I have made some great friends.  In this ministry, I am trying to figure them out.

In Church

FriendsWhen I was in college (the first four years) I was taught friends can’t come from within the church where you serve.  Though I have not found that to be entirely true, I understand why they said it.  People within the church all seem to have something they want from me.  Elders feel it is their job to manage me.  People who seek out my friendship are often the kind of people who draw energy from me like crazy.  People who I might like apart from the church see me as “the pastor” and so are too self conscious to enjoy friendship fully.

Additionally, people within the congregation are never entirely safe.  There is always the fear that if I say the wrong thing, laugh at the wrong time, or reveal too much that they will decide it is their responsibility to fix me, or worse, fix the church from me.  The next thing I know (and it has happened) I am answering questions about why I laugh to someone who thinks I am some kind of heretic because I laugh at the wrong things.

Several times I have found “friends” in the church only to find out they were using me for power, or want to control me, or worse.  At first, at this church, E acted as though he wanted to be friends, but he made it very clear he is my boss and bosses can’t be friends with subordinates.  I am glad he made that clear so I didn’t assume us friends.

I have found friends difficult in the church.  There are several exceptions through the years, but they are the exceptions that prove the rule.

In Ministry

Some of the closest friends I have developed through the years are colleagues in ministry.

When I first began in the ministry, I sought out friendships among the other area pastors in the same denomination.  I soon found out they were not the best choice.  It was not because they were bad people, but because when we got together, it was assumed we believed and thought the same on every issue.  It killed conversation and injected a bit of unsafe-ness to the mix.  The lack of safety comes when you throw out something you think and it is met with a skeptical, “Oh, you believe that? Hmmm.”Friends

After  a few such experiences, I began to look to pastors in other churches.  They always took a bit more time on the front end figuring out if each other was safe, making sure we meshed theologically, and personality wise.  Once the initial dance was completed, I found some excellent friends.

In the last 7 or 8 years I have found some of my closest friends ever in a very unusual place–High School Church Camp. They were particularly mature, sharp youth ministers in other churches.  (No insult to youth ministers intended, but if you have met many of them you know what I mean!  :) )  They have both moved on to preaching and teaching ministries and are still very close.

Sadly, distance distances relationships.  I am now a long way from all those guys.

In the Community

I have met my share of people in coffee shops, restaurants, community events etc.  Twice, or perhaps three times, these have led to rich friendships.  In my last ministry, one of my favorite friends was an attorney (sad, I know) in town.  He was a thinker and an eater–two things I love.  Our lunch was one of the most guarded things in my schedule.Figuring it out

Currently

The most promising friendship is a member of the pastoral staff.  It is hard to say where it will go.  I am still trying to figure out who is and who is not safe.

I know this: I am ready to find a friend.  I miss having friends who breathe the same air.

Posted in Personal | Leave a comment

Sugar Packets and Paper Cups, Part 2

Posted on January 20, 2011 by shepherd

A couple weeks after the original encounter with B and P (the elder and his wife), I received an email from P.  She informed me that they had decided what coffee pot was needed for the coffee ministry and asked me to inform H that she needed to use it.

It doesn’t matter, but the coffee pot is much too small.  She doesn’t know that because it is not her ministry.

Coffee PotThe coffee pot itself is not the issue, of course.  The issue was and is how we treat our volunteers and now we add how they treat me to the mix.

I decided to forward P’s email to the elders and simply ask, how I should handle it.

One of the elders, E, took it upon himself to take up “my” cause.  He does a good job of reminding everyone that the elders had already given me oversight of this new coffee ministry.  He reminded them they had pushed me to the finance ministry to get the money to fund the new equipment we would need.

The problem was, he loves to brow beat people into submission to his ideas.  So eventually everyone agrees to his plan–the money and authority will come from the worship ministry and I am in charge.

The next Monday, at our regularly scheduled prayer time, E was out of town.  After the prayer time, B pulled me aside.  He apologized for the way things had happened.  He wanted to work together.  P, his wife, takes inventory of all the kitchen supplies every week and makes sure there are enough supplies for all of the ministries.  B wanted to know if it would be ok if P did the same for the coffee ministry–after all, she was making the trip to the store anyway.

We talked about the importance of allowing people who run a ministry to make the decisions within those ministries–even if it is not done the way we would do it.  He understood.  I told him it would be fine for P to pick up the supplies.

Nice resolution.  I knew at the time we would have to have this conversation again.  That is just the nature of the case.

Later that day, I start getting text messages from E.

Stab me here

He wants to know if I had any conversations with B.  I told him what happened.  E came unglued.  The texts came fast and furious.  I was a disappointment to him.  We had lost all of the territory we had gained.  The only way to put B in his place is to yank the money from B and I just gave it all back to him.

I tried to argue that this was an opportunity for B to serve well.  I tried to say, “We all have to learn from our mistakes.”

E told me how arrogant I was to think that I could help B learn to serve better.  E had 20 years experience with people like this and B is never going to change.

In the end, I was just a disappointment to E.

I hope I am not a disappointment to Jesus.  E has a way of making me wonder.

Posted in Church Life, Leadership, Nuts | 3 Comments

Real Faith

Posted on January 18, 2011 by shepherd

I don’t know if doubt makes faith more real, but what I know is there is a lot of doubt in real faith.

Christians are (I think more than most) determined to be certain about everything about them.  When there are aspects of our faith which feel uncertain, it makes us nervous.  Most of the time we just gloss over those points.  If we are pressed, we thump our Bible a little harder when we shout the party line.  We are afraid of how messy faith might be if we admit some of the deepest questions are not easy, but are unanswerable.faith

Over the last several months, I have spent regular time with a friend whose daughter was raped by a boy at church.  His faith has gone through a number of deep valleys and he is not, by any means, out yet.

Many well-meaning Christians have assured him, “God has a plan,” or “I know God will bless you in all of this.”  Others have offered counsel that he and his wife should have been more restrictive as parents, and if they had, this would not have happened.  Others have told them their daughter was asking for it.

Is it any wonder my friend’s faith has been shaken?

He is wondering, “If God has a plan, why was my daughter’s rape a part of that plan.”  I don’t have an answer.

He is wondering, “Why do these people who say they love me insist on poking sharp sticks at me?”  I don’t have an answer.

I am watching his life and how he is wrestling with God and am moved by his faith.  His faith has been shaken to the core, but the faith I see emerging from the dust is a faith that is far more real than the one that entered it.  He sees a God who is beyond our understanding, but is indeed loving.  He sees a God who is not a cheap vending machine–put in faith at the top and get goodies out of the bottom.  He sees a God who is real.

The real, unanswerable questions of his faith are not something he ignores, or glosses over.  Instead, he freely talks about it.  He is not ashamed of having a faith that has questions, but lives by the faith he has.  I would rather have real and messy than plastic, neat and tidy.

My friend, S, will probably never read this blog post.  If he does, I want him to know how much I admire his faith.  He has taught me much in our time together.  His strength is remarkable.

Thanks, S, for having real faith.  Those of us watching from the outside are inspired to have it ourselves.

Posted in Church Life, Personal, Theology | 2 Comments

Funny Sheep

Posted on January 17, 2011 by shepherd

Sunday I received an 11 page, single spaced document from someone.  He wants me to tell him what I think.

The most substantive thing in the work is an argument as to why Jesus could not have had long hair and thus the Shroud of Turin could not be real.

You can’t make this stuff up!  :)

Posted in Church Life | 1 Comment

Speaking Evil

Posted on January 17, 2011 by shepherd

Nearly every Sunday, there are things in my sermon that really move me. Sometimes they are the main ideas, and sometimes they are a sidelight that doesn’t get much air time on Sunday morning. This week, it didn’t get much air time.

In Mark 3, Jesus confronts Pharisees about their legalism. He does so by healing a man with a withered hand on the Sabbath.

A withered hand would have meant desperate poverty for the afflicted man. He would have been ignored by a society that didn’t have any appreciation for people with handicaps. His life was very difficult.

The Pharisees are waiting and watching to see if Jesus will heal on the Sabbath so they can accuse Him of breaking the Law. Jesus knows it.

He calls the man with the withered hand forward and, with him standing there, asks, “Is it Lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil, to heal or to kill?” It is this question that grabs me.

Jesus is asking the Pharisees to say with their lips, “I think this man should live another day with his disability.” Jesus wants them to actually voice their cruel theology. It is like we who espouse following Jesus, but really think the poor deserve to be poor and the sick deserve to be sick and the sinners deserve to go to Hell. I wonder if Jesus, upon seeing the poor, sick or sinner, would call them forward and ask us to say, “We think they deserve what they have.” before He heals them.

I wonder if the sin of hating people is greater than the sin of breaking the Sabbath. I wonder if the sin of hating people is greater than the sin of enabling the poor with food, or rewarding the bad habits of the sick with health, or granting grace to the sinner.

Jesus told the man to stretch out his hand and he was made whole.

Posted in General, Theology | 1 Comment

What did you hear?

Posted on January 17, 2011 by shepherd

When you preach for a living, not all sermons can be home runs.  Yesterday felt like a single.

What amazes me is not that I preach badly sometimes, but that God uses even my babbling to accomplish His plans.  After hacking my way through a sermon, I had person after person come up and tell me what a meaningful sermon it was.

I am not sure what they heard, but it wasn’t what I said.

Thank you, Lord.

Posted in Church Life, Preaching | Leave a comment

Unexpected Water

Posted on January 15, 2011 by shepherd

When I began interviewing at this church, my first contact was with M.  M is an elder and has been an elder almost as long as I have been alive.

M’s questions were doctrinal and very specific.  It was obvious to me that he followed rigidly the traditions of the church’s denomination.  Our conversation was brisk and in the end, I wasn’t sure if I had passed his interrogation.  Our conversation was pointed enough, and his questions rigid enough I almost didn’t allow the interview process to proceed.Water in the desert.

I did.

When I came for a face to face interview, M was obviously the keeper of the doctrinal tradition.  His personality is direct, specific, a little quirky, but with a quick smile.  He was difficult for me to read, but I was pretty sure, if I came, he would be a difficult person for my ministry.

Now that I am here, I was wrong.  M is one of those people who absolutely does have a very traditional and denominational view of the church, BUT he has a very unusual quality.  He listens.

When he hears an idea that differs from his, he talks to the person.  He will lay out what he believes, and he will listen to other points of view.  After he is finished, he goes home, thinks about it, studies the Scriptures and re-evaluates his own position.

His conclusions don’t always line up with mine, but I have seen him show much grace to people with differing views.  I have even seen him shift some of his views based on some of those interactions.  He is truly driven by his desire to follow Jesus.

I don’t care if his views and mine are in complete agreement.  They will not be.  His life is a testament to his discipleship.  I am glad he is an elder.

He is water where I expected none.

Posted in General | 1 Comment