I don’t want to be melodramatic, but I want to try and explain how I feel. This will be kind of stream of consciousness…
I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to answer my phone—even if it is someone I know just wants to encourage me.
I went over to S’s house—I thought I might have a conversation worth something. It wasn’t. I didn’t know how to talk. I don’t know what to say. I just sat there like an empty shell. We are both angry. We are both hurt. Neither of us know what to do.
I know the calling on my life and I feel like I have abandoned it. Actually, it feels more like it has abandoned me. Like the big fish spit me out into the middle of the sea.
I completely misjudged K and R as elders. R was my friend. His wound is deep.
The elders went to the congregation today and made it sound like they were saviors sweeping in to save the church from the terrible division T and I were causing.
I know, because I have at least a single objective bone in my body, my situation here is at least partly because I walked into a screwed up mess—perhaps mostly because of that—but I feel like such a failure.
My mom scolded me for feeling this way. I can’t help it. None of this is reasonable. I know that.
W tells me we followed the call of God out here. I am not so sure.
I am withdrawn. I move easily between weeping, raging and not caring.
I don’t even know what would fix me. If the church asked me back I would tell them “No way!” If I went to another, I would be too frightened to move.
What do I do? (I am not asking you…I am asking me…or maybe God…probably mostly me.)
I know I should be most concerned with the church. I know there should be some way for me to be “ok” with all of this. I am not.
I guess that is all for now. I read over this, it is almost incoherent, but I feel that way too.